The Offended Church

I’ve wanted to write on this topic for over a year. With every subject in the news, I notice one consistent response – an offended Church. We pick sides, and we contribute significantly to the division happening in our nation. We put labels on ourselves and others to further divide. We take upon ourselves identities and titles that God never meant for us. We are offended by political parties and leaders. Offended by feminists. Offended by equality. Offended by millennials. Offended by sex. Offended by religion. Offended by spiritual gifts. Offended by anyone who doesn’t agree with us. Maybe you’re even offended by the fact that I’m writing about the Church being offended.

Let me clarify what I mean by offended. The dictionary describes “offended” as resentful or annoyed, typically due to a perceived insult. It can often look like anger and taking something someone said or did personally. It’s probably good for me to clarify that when I say offended, I don’t mean convicted. I’m not writing all this to say we should grow numb to sin. But it is our response to things that I’m addressing.

This last weekend, Ryan and I went to a marriage retreat, and the speaker’s topic was conflict. If there is one thing I’ve seen in society lately, it’s conflict. Not just in marriage but in every relationship, even in the interactions between strangers.

Some of the biggest points they made in the marriage retreat were:

• It is more important to understand than to be understood.
• We all have triggers. There is always a deeper reason WHY someone is acting a certain way, and if we seek to try to understand them instead of take offense, we can actually move closer together instead of further apart.
• Arguments/anger/offense create a hardened heart. When we feel angry or offended, we have to take time to pause and soften our hearts towards others.
• You don’t have to agree with someone to validate their feelings or empathize with them.

I couldn’t help but notice that these points wouldn’t only help in my marriage, but in any human interaction.

“Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.” — Proverbs 19:11

I was recently talking to a friend about our experiences with generosity in the American Church. I was telling him how I feel like most Christians give their tithe out of obligation and not generosity and how I know many stingy people in the Church, people who hold on to their money with white-knuckled fists. This is MY MONEY. In fact, the few generous people I know are just extremely wealthy, and maybe that’s why they give so much. And oftentimes, the most generous people aren’t even found in the Church. My friend proceeded to tell me how he had experienced otherwise. He knows many Christian people who are very generous with their money and who give beyond their obedience to God’s command to tithe.

We could have easily argued back and forth about how our experience was the correct representation of the Church. Instead, his experience taught me something. I realized that the opinion I had formed was based on what I had experienced. And he and I, we had experienced two different things. These are two different experiences just in Colorado Springs. Imagine the vast variety of experiences other people have had across the U.S., in cities and rural country, small historic churches, and new booming mega-churches. We often think, “Well, I’ve never experienced that. I’ve never seen that. I’ve never been treated that way. I’ve never met anyone like that.” But just because we haven’t experienced something doesn’t mean it isn’t genuine or doesn’t exist.

A study came out this week by a group called Barna. They concluded that most of us attract (and are attracted to) those similar to us.

“No matter where friends meet, people tend to be drawn to those who are more like them. Asked whether their current friends are mostly similar to themselves or mostly different from them in a number of areas, the majority always chooses mostly similar. This is true for religious beliefs (62% similar, 38% different), race or ethnicity (74% vs. 26%), income (56% vs. 44%), education level (63% vs. 37%), social status (70% vs. 30%), political views (62% vs. 38%) and life stage (69% vs. 31%). In particular, evangelicals are less likely than most to have friends who are different than them, especially when it comes to religious beliefs (91% mostly similar), ethnicity (88%), and political views (86%). As we’ve seen in other Barna research, friendship with those who are different to us increases empathy and causes a shift in our views toward them—in very positive ways.”

You guys often surround ourselves with people who think/act/look like us. I mean, if I look at my own circle, the majority of my friends are white, middle-class Christians. We may have different personalities, different enneagrams, some of us may be introverts while others are extroverts, but we live in the same city, have houses and wardrobes and cars that look similar. We go to the same restaurants and the same hiking trails. We must remember that our experiences are EXTREMELY limited in the grand scheme of things. It’s defined by where we live, the places we go, and the people we interact with. We all have our own biases and our worldviews. There is no way we have experienced enough on our own to have such a solid opinion on something that we should never listen to the experiences and thoughts of others.

“An offended friend is harder to win back than a fortified city. Arguments separate friends like a gate locked with bars.” — Proverbs 18:19

People who think differently than us shouldn’t make us feel threatened. Other opinions can do one of two things. It can solidify what we already believe to be accurate or give us a new perspective to widen and alter what we think. Neither of those is something we should feel threatened by.

Christians being angry at and offended by nonbelievers is never going to do any good. A man I work with once said, “Nonbelievers are not the object of God’s wrath. They are the object of His passion.” How do we ever expect to be able to love other people well if we are angry with them? It is God’s kindness that leads us to repentance. Shouldn’t that be true with us too? It is our kindness towards each other that should point others to Jesus. Anger only creates more significant division. It creates distance between us and the people God has called us to reach.

“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.” — James 1:19-20

The bottom line is we don’t have the right to be offended. People said all sorts of things to Jesus. They treated Him poorly, they rejected Him, they called Him names, they even crucified Him – and Jesus was not offended by them. He still looks at us with love and compassion in His eyes. He still sees us as apart from our sins. Being offended is a choice we make. And I think the most significant thing an offended heart reveals in us is pride. God has revealed SO much hidden pride in me this year. Pride is easily threatened, pride is touchy, and pride is quickly angered. And the two greatest ways to combat pride and offense are through humility and love.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” — 1 Corinthians 13:4-5

“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.” — Ephesians 4:2-3

With a hard heart, it’s challenging to love others and move in humility. Humility isn’t easy, speaking from experience here – it goes against our flesh, admitting to ourselves that we don’t know everything, that we aren’t always right and don’t always know best. It’s not pointing the finger at everyone else. But let me tell you one quick way to be drawn into humility – prayer. God can always give us eyes to see someone how He sees them. Maybe someone who has offended me is operating out of fear or pain, even then God can give me the grace to see them for who He created them to be.

“We will never reflect the image of Christ to the world unless we see the image of God in everyone.” — Ann Voskamp